Outlaws

On December 8th 2009, Marion and Arthur, my husband's parents, nicknamed some time ago 'Mazerati', flew down from Queensland to stay in Victoria with us and other relatives.

For the first two weeks, we were all still at work, and I had tonsillitis so nothing eventful happened. We had dinners at Chris and Rhonda's; they had dinners at ours. Mazerati saw their new great-grandchildren, as well as re-connected with their grandchildren who numbered 6 and ranged in age from 3 up to 31. Family time was like a hum in the air....soft, sweet. The crinkles of tension had not yet started to show around the eyes.

'Twas the week before Christmas and the shopping was still to be done; Many a creature was stirring....especially down in Funky-Town, where Frankston's finest were frantically flitting from shop to shop, elbowing fellow-shoppers out of the way and bemoaning their VISA limits. We too, joined this merry throng....and we were unprepared.............

The girls, Nanny - Marion, Daughter - Rhonda, Daughter-in-(or out)-law - Me and Grandchild Number 1 - Melissa headed for Funky-town. Great-grandchild - Saxon, also came out of necessity despite being a boy...at 5 weeks old, he sort of had to. We got in the Mazda 3, cursed the traffic along the way, and parked in a miraculously available 'Parents with Prams' spot.

Walking in the beating sun, nervously contemplating the crowd before us, Melissa outlined the plan of attack. "We'll go to the other end of the shopping centre first, get what we need at this shop, that shop, that shop and then head back this way so that we can get straight back to the car". Hmmm, I suppose this sort of excursion did need a plan, but military precision? When would we be allowed to, oh, I don't know, look at stuff? Given that I was buying for my mother, who is impossible to buy for and dislikes everything I get, which makes me wonder why I try so hard....I needed some lee-way for inspiration to strike.

But, I didn't say anything. Naturally.

Marion nervously sucked in her lower lip as she does when she disagrees or wants to say anything. But didn't say anything. Naturally.

Rhonda, has long since given up arguing with her daughter.

And, in truth, the plan had merit, just no flexibility.

So as we headed in, we ran into Melissa's friend and Rhonda took the opportunity to dash into Sanity for a CD present for whoever. I chatted a while with the friend and then I too, wandered towards Sanity for a look. I think Marion came with me. Melissa and friend air-kissed and parted ways, and she wheeled the pram towards the entrance of Sanity. I wandered into the shop, carefully checking where Rhonda was so as not to lose sight of her, nor disrupt the force. But in truth, there was nothing in Sanity for my mother, so I thought, I'll just duck down to the Perfume Empire and look for the D&G, Rose the One, which I'd seen advertised. They didn't have it so I rejoined the clan. As you can see, we're slightly off plan, here, but largely still holding together.

We reformed. Conferred. Agreed to head for Objective 1, at the other end of the store. We probably only paused to window shop in a couple of stores along the way and I think Melissa and the Pram only had to double-back and collect stragglers once on this leg of the mission. We achieved Objective 1, Kmart. Ventured in and scattered. Well, a 1:3 ratio anyway - Mel went to collect her layby. Marion, Rhonda and I ambled through women's clothes and shoes and were more-or-less in sight of each other. Melissa found us, we lost Marion, we found Marion and they left the store, while I bought my item. Not a Christmas present for Mum, by the way, but cute 20 buck summer dress. For me.

As I exited Kmart, I realised that there was no-one there. I mean, thousands of Funky Frankstonians, but not my crew. But with my night-vision goggles and a quick bit of reconaissance, I spied them and we again possied up.

We back-tracked, in line with the plan. Mel set a cracking pace and we lost a few good soldiers to heat exhaustion. ie, I stopped to look at a little stall in the middle, Rhonda stopped with me and Mel again pulled a U-turn and rounded us up.

I spied the shop that Mel had suggested, whilst in the car, for a couple of extra little pressies for my daughter, Rose. Sensing the urgent need to press on to accomplish the mission, I suggested I do a quick solo-incursion into the Fairy shop and that I would catch them up in no time. Agreement, but not happiness. Nonetheless, I sallied forth...didn't see anything and then I remembered another off-mission detour; I needed to make to pick up something for Marion, which I knew she had admired.

Didn't see my intrepid soldiers along the way, but made a quick dash down the escalators, found my gift, waited with ever-increasing anxiety for the queue to diminish and the assistant to process the transaction and then bolted back up.

Nowhere to be seen. Tumbleweeds. I was in the deepest kind of excrement, you could imagine. Our fearless leader, the beautiful Melissa was going to be PI$%ED.

I scurried into Myer - they said they were going in here. I looked. I searched. I was getting a panicked look on my face and I could tell this from the startled glances of the funky-folk.

I practically ran back outside, my chest heaving with anxiety...oh, there they were! I waved, I beamed - I was so happy to rejoin. Rhonda and Marion laughed in shared relief. It was a beautiful slow-mo moment. With a kicker. Melissa, just turned and wheeled off. As I said, PI$#D.

My reaction to when other people are disproportionately angry about a situation is to begin a slow-burn of (probably defensive) anger myself.

So when Melissa the Magnificent muttered loud enough for us to hear (quite clearly), "If this small-child starts screaming his head off, I'm going straight to the car and you can all fuck off and catch the bus home", I blew a head-gasket. Red-faced and steaming, I too began to mutter. "If we have more shopping to do and stuff to look for and at, then we'll bloody-well catch a cab home later and you can do what you want. I'm not putting up with this sh1t".

And so war did break out after all.

We headed, single-file to Target. Melissa refused to enter. So I refused to enter.

Rhonda warily circled us and Marion and she walked to the entrance to see what they could see. Melissa and I deliberately turned our backs and casually inspected the front stalls of Cotton-On-Kids....No talking, no acknowledgement. Just silence.

Rhonda and Marion came back within a minute. "Don't you need to get something for Rose, in Target, Kate?"

"No, I'll do it later." was the nonchalant reply, "Didn't you need to get something, in there, Melissa?" said I, pointedly questioning.

"No, I'll do it later," equally nonchalant.

Rhonda and Marion rolled their eyes.

I snapped out a brief, "I thought we were here to shop, but never mind. Let's just go", and off I stalked.

I kept my head high, but my angry tears were forming and stupid chin was quivering and my shoulders involuntarily raised towards my ears in a self-protective shrug. Marion caught up to me and asked something non-related to the Battle of Target. I replied as best I could through the tears and we travelled the travelator. Marion, ever-quick, as we walked past Supa-Bargains, said, "Ooh, I'd like to go in there, but I daren't", she winked conspiratorially and I smiled back, grateful for a cohort.

Rhonda loyally talked equally amiably with Melissa and the two split-forces headed for the info booth so Rhonda and Marion could buy their vouchers. I advised my leader, with careful precision that I would look in Dick Smith but would be within sight. I completed this tour of duty, checked out the shoes and then waited, in sight, (I saw them seeing me), by the wall, out of the way. Buying the vouchers took a long time.

Success! Marion had completed her section of this mission and then headed to buy chocolates. I was torn. I was trying to keep my leader and gun-seargeant in sight, but my trench-buddy had split off. What to do? I hovered outside the choc store and kept my eye on the leader's position.

They came toward me. Gunny, (Rhonda) laid it down. "We are going back to Target, so you can buy something for Rose and I can buy a Summer Dress. Then we are going back downstairs where you will buy something for your mother. Clear?"

"Yes". I didn't say 'Ma'am', it would have been rude. I nonetheless mentally saluted and the crew went forward, a unit once more.

Melissa and I casually conversed as though nothing had happened, which is how we always recover after a battle. Inane, casual, non-feigned interest in each others comments, but just a little reserved, as though we both want to very carefully avoid re-opening any of the previosuly inflicted wounds.

Back at my house, they came in for a drink, we kissed and hugged good-bye as left for home.....the rest of the war passed us by and the world tilted back to it's normal angle on it's axis.